I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
