Just fell off a train. Bad.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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