How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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