I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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