Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
