I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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