True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
