In America we eat man semen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
