What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
