I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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