Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
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There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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