I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
