How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
