Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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