I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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