He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
