sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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