I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
