So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
