My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
