Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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