I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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