is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
