My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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