Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
