who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
