Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
