I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I died a long time ago.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We just shotgunned beers for America
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
