So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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