i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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