for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
