you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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