After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
