Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
