I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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