Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
