Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
