im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
