I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
