You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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