Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
