if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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