i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
