wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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