I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
