Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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