It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
