You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
