I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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