why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
