I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
