My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
