Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
