Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
