I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
