Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
