Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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