Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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